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If men would search diligently their own minds, and examine minutely their thoughts and actions, they would be more cautious in censuring the conduct of others, as they would find in themselves abundantly sufficient cause for reproof. “It is a good horse that never stumbles;” and lie is a good man indeed who cannot reproach himself with numerous slips and errors.” “Every bean has its spot,” and every man his follies and vices.
People accuse each other of being selfish all the time. It’s a very common word used in everyday language. “You’re so selfish!” says your parent, sibling, partner, friend, or even just your next-door neighbor. People have hijacked the word selfish by using it to their own ends. When it’s thrown your way, that familiar accusation tries to manipulate you. We have to understand what it is to be ourselves and to do for ourselves. Because if we don’t do for ourselves, we can’t do for others. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your self as well as you take care of others. But there’s a happy medium between knowing what’s selfish and what isn’t selfish.
There’s an old story in the Catholic Church that my mother used to tell me when I was a kid. It’s about the pelican, who is arguably the poster-bird of unselfishness in nature. If there’s no food to be had for her hatchlings, the mama bird literally takes strip of flesh from her own body to feed them. The pelican is used as a symbol of unselfishness and sacrifice at the altar in the Catholic Church. Now, the Pelican is very admirable and all—but it’s a bird. As a human being, if you’re killing yourself to help other people, you’re not helping yourself. And if you’re not helping yourself, you’re not allowing yourself to be fed and to be taken care of. With all of that going on, you lose not just yourself—you lose everything.
Over the years, I’ve watched people manipulate someone else by saying, “You know, that’s selfish” or some other version of that statement. A friend called me up the other day to complain about his sister-in-law. “She just called me selfish! Is she kidding? I just put two of her kids through college and she’s calling me selfish?” The sad thing about those people who are constantly screaming “Selfish!” is that they themselves are selfish. They use manipulation of others’ fear of being selfish to get them to do what they want.
Manipulation is one tactic used by people who are not self-confident. They’re willing to tear you down so that they can control you in order to put themselves ahead of you. It’s all about control—about not losing what they think they have.. It breaks my heart when I see all these wonderful and amazing people around me, and how their self-confidence is blown and their lives are damaged or destroyed by listening to someone else’s devastating trash. It’s shocking what kind of things that people will do to someone else just to get what they want, without feeling any remorse whatsoever.
When a friend or family member enjoys some kind of success, it hurts some people’s egos and their illusion of who they are. They can’t believe someone else accomplished something that they can’t or haven’t. The friend’s success undermines their own self-confidence, and they immediately want to step on top of them. People mistakenly think that, in order to build up their own self-confidence, they need to be on top. It’s those people who push you down who drag everyone lower. School hazing is a prime example of putting people down, breaking a person’s self-confidence so that other can feel superior. In this way, they are literally facilitating the destruction of a friend’s self-confidence.
I like to build everyone up because I believe it brings everyone higher. When it’s time for your child to learn to walk, you child-proof the house and stand them up on their own two feet. You’re there for them to make sure they don’t fall down the stairs but they’re still going to stumble as they take their first baby steps. A parent who obviously has superior skills and accomplishments is loving and encouraging, and wouldn’t dream of putting their kid down and breaking their spirit because they doesn’t know how to walk properly. Clearly, the way toward self-confidence lies in enjoying the success of everyone’s accomplishments. There’s nothing selfish in that.
People who have a false sense of themselves need accolades from others so much that it becomes like a drug to them. They become so self-absorbed in their own selfishness that it becomes overwhelming for who they are. Eventually, they have to live in such a way that they’re always working toward their own best interests and will trample on anyone else’s. They’re not heinous people—we reserve that description for murderers, child abusers, and rapists—but they put themselves and their needs first. They will roll over anyone who stands in their way. It’s not self-confidence that propels them forward, but ego.
When you’re a young kid in school, you have all sorts of ideas about your future profession. “Mom and Dad,” you might say, “I want to be an astronaut when I grow up.” If only more parents would say, “That’s great, Timmy. I’m really happy that you want to be an astronaut—good luck with that. But honestly, you have zero aptitude for math and you have no interest in science. You’re an English major and you love history, so perhaps you should consider a different field.” To be successful in any field, you have to have skills, talent, and luck. If you enter into a profession while understanding and accepting your limitations, you’re living in your reality, and not lying to yourself and building illusions. Your self-confidence stems from knowing who you are and living in your truth.
One of my favorite people in the world lives a dual life. By day, he is a big time businessman in an expensive Armani suit. But he occasionally performs as a drag queen by night. It’s not about being perverse for him, but about needing the accolades he gets from being onstage. In the old days, he was incredibly gorgeous and could impersonate the supreme divas like Donna Summer or Diana Ross to perfection. He was actually hired by Diana Ross to impersonate her in one of her shows when she was performing in town, and he desperately wanted to become a star of Ru Paul proportions. His self-confidence—who he was, where he went, how he looked, what he did—was totally wrapped around his achievements as a drag queen.
He went through some hard times while pursuing his dream, but at some point, he realized that he would never be Diana Ross. He faced the facts of his own reality, made a change in his life, and got a job in corporate America. He became a respected and powerful businessman who runs a multi-million dollar corporation, and nowadays, although his looks have faded and he’s aged a little, his self-confidence has never been higher. He pulled his reality together. He took what he thought he was—what he had created with his fake Diana Ross illusion—then really looked at what his true gifts and abilities were. He was able to believe in himself, move forward a,nd make himself into a success by having the self-confidence to no longer need the fake drag queen accolades. He dumped his illusion and instead created his reality to become a real success in the real world.
Some people aren’t willing to fully embrace that you can be proud of what you have accomplished. For example, I’m proud of what I’ve done personally and professionally in my life. I can be proud of that without being arrogant about it. People often say that they have no self-confidence, but in many cases they actually do possess it, they just don’t realize that’s the name of it. Some people who have really low self-esteem or have major issues within themselves think that, because you have a good feeling about yourself, you’re bad. So many people are very unhappy and even hate themselves. Self-esteem and self-confidence can also be about self-hate. We can talk about those people who have low self-esteem who need to learn how to build it, but they’re people who just hate themselves. But for most people, all you have to do is show them that they’re loved. You can change people’s lives around by just loving them.
Self-confidence comes from a place of integrity—a place of forgiving yourself. You have to forgive yourself to accept yourself and that, in turn, gives you self-confidence. When you can do that, all of your self-confidence starts to blossom, everything starts to fall into place and you can make things happen.
It can be especially hard for some people to develop real self-confidence because they have to throw away all of their illusions. When you believe in yourself, you have to forgive yourself for everything you’ve ever done wrong. When you believe in yourself, you have to let go of all of your insecurities. Every day, you think, “I’m not good enough, I’m not tall enough, or pretty enough or smart enough….” Well, it’s never about “enough.” There’s always going to be someone richer, thinner, or more intelligent out there.
Psychologists like to ask their patients a classic question, “What would you do if you had all the money and power and position you needed in your life?” Invariably, the patient will say, “If I had all of that, I would do this….” My response is, “Do it now anyway!” Don’t wait for the perfect scenario make an appearance. Even if the perfect scenario is there, you still wouldn’t do it because it’s never going to be perfect enough for you. If every married couple that wanted children waited around until their situation was just perfect there’d be a lot fewer kids in the world! You’ve got to be in the here and now.
Self-confidence is giving birth to yourself. When you have self-confidence, you can let go of the old shell, and the things from the past, and fully accept who you are. Once you say, “This is what I have, and this is what I’m going to work with—this is my reality,” you’ve given birth to a brand new you. It’s the Goddess who gives birth to herself to be reborn. It’s the caterpillar that emerges from its chrysalis as a beautiful butterfly. This is not a superficial makeover, but a whole new you. It’s like the story of the ugly ducking turning into a swan. The makeover has nothing to do with it. You were always that same person you just washed your face, put a clean dress on, and walked out the front door. All of a sudden, you now embody your self-confidence—not the new dress you have on, or the weight you’ve lost. It’s amazing and you just move forward with who you are.
When I was fat, people would take a look at my size and assume I was an insecure mess. Surprised to find out they were wrong about me, they would always ask why I was so self-confident under the circumstances. It was because I believed in me. I told myself that someday I was going to be skinny, among other things. I knew what I was going to accomplish those goals—and I have. As I looked in the mirror and saw my “big boy” reflection, I was still able to see who I really was. I knew that, owned it, and then I worked for it. Having self-confidence means that I’m going to accomplish something. I have the self-esteem and knowledge of who I am. I have the skills, the abilities, the gifts and everything else to accomplish this goal. It’s based in reality in the here and now. I hold these pieces on the playing board and I’m going to win the game.
It’s not about just having a belief that something is going to happen, because that can be a delusion. You have to put in the energy, the time, the discipline, and the work to make something happen. You have to come from a base foundation of reality with an attainable goal. You have to have the gifts, the ability, and the knowledge to make your dreams come true. For example, I have a beautiful singing voice and I studied opera for years, but I always understood that although I was good, I wasn’t great. I recognized that I was never going to be a superstar as a singer, and I was okay with that. I was never going to be that person. I sing for myself and my friends, and my mother loves my voice, of course.
But American Idol, The Voice, and the rest of those TV talent competitions shows feed into some people’s delusional ideas of talent and super-stardom while showcasing really dreadful auditions. We’ve all watched the trail of truly awful, tone-deaf, wannabes parade across the stage, in pursuit of a big career in music. They have no business being there in the first place, but who gets most upset and hostile when they’re not picked for the show? They live deep in their illusion and their self-confidence is wrapped around their ego, which is wrapped around their fakeness. They scream, “Eff you, Simon! I’m gonna be a star!” and have a meltdown after a failed audition on national television, because their illusions have been attacked and they’ll fight tooth and nail to protect them.
Now I’m a very very good psychic, and there are a number of others who have accomplished a lot in this field, but I don’t position myself as the grand poohbah of psychics. There’s always that person who is better than I am. However, I use my gifts to enhance my understanding of people and the Universe—how I relate to people what I’ve learned. I’m actually a philosopher deep down inside. I understand people and their lives. I know how to live and I know how to teach people how to live. What I am exceptionally good at is teaching people how to live every single day as a happy and real person.
It’s ironic that often the #1 player, most beautiful model, and the top politician are considered the most accomplished, but they are often the least self-confident people around. You have to recognize and accept the little mistakes you do that happen every day. I understand that people are afraid of the consequences, and that fear can block their self-confidence. I teach them to face these little things every day, and step by step, they build a realistic view of themselves that establishes a strong foundation for their self-confidence.
Let’s talk about the difference between being self-confident and being conceited, arrogant, or narcissistic. There’s a huge difference that is important for people to understand. The first thing I’ve learned is that people who have a giant ego love to be judgmental. You have a fake ego, which becomes a block. The minute you start having a fake ego and start believing your own BS, you’ve created an illusion. And you’re off! Back to the lies, back to the blame game, back to the guilt. When you build your illusion based on these things, you have no self-confidence and you can’t stand on your own two feet.
The truth is that when you have self-confidence, no matter what anyone says about you or thinks about you no matter what’s going on, you are all together yourself. Self-confidence is when you believe in yourself, you trust yourself, you like yourself—you love yourself and you’ve forgiven yourself. That’s one of the big things—to have self-confidence you have to forgive yourself and let go of all the judgments you thought were true.
You’ll notice that a lot of gay men will be full of self-confidence much more than some other people who have had other accomplishments in their lives. That’s because many of them have had a hard early life. They’ve gone through a lot of experiences, figured it out who they really are, and now they’re moving forward. They’re seasoned without being bitter. When you become bitter, you don’t have self-confidence.
Let’s use a middle-aged divorced woman as another example. I love them! They are powerful people because they have gone through the wars in their lives. They have accomplished things. They have had to face up to all of their stuff and move forward with it. And because of that, they have accomplished great things after the divorce—more than when they were married. Their talents come out.
I have a client who was married to a B-list photographer. She supported her husband, but she was a fantastic artist in her own right. What she didn’t share with her husband was that, while his work could barely get sold, her artwork was traveling in tours throughout South America and Europe. Eventually, she came to realize that she was amazing as an artist and as a person, and that she had to leave him and get her own career together. She’s 35 years old and her life is just beginning to blossom.
Self-confidence comes from a belief in yourself. In a previous post, we were talking about having to get rid of a belief in a savior or an ideology. When you stop believing in “things”, you will start believing in yourself. Whether you put your faith in God, a plant, or a pop star, you’re consigning your power to someone else. When you take your power back and use it, that’s where self-confidence comes from. I’ve got clients who say, “I’m going to be better when I find that perfect man or woman” or “I’m going to be better when I land that dream job.” But a relationship is not going to make you better. None of that’s going to make you happy. You have to be happy here and now and you have to believe in yourself, or none of that is ever going to happen for you.
Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. – Marilyn Monroe
Hollywood can be an amazing place where dreams are made and some come true.
It is also a false land full of false people who through their obsessions or ambitions have ceased to live their truth. Since they live in an artificial world some have a hard time separating reality from fantasy and the Industry itself does nothing to help facilitate anyone living in the real world. In fact, the more famous people get the more they are indulged and their everyday life is a constant retreat from reality. In many cases this is why I have rich and famous clients- they are confused. People stopped telling them the truth so long ago they can’t remember what existed before they were hand fed every thought and granted every wish. They are surrounded by “Yes people” and sometimes I just tell them “No”! In a few instances they can’t take it but in most it helps to build trust between us. The trust I get from saying ‘no’ or sometimes delivering news the celebrity client doesn’t want to hear is much more valuable than the sprinkling of people who were lost simply because their status made them unable to check their ego at this Psychic’s door.
The Divorce Heard Around The World
A gorgeous actress and a handsome, charismatic actor would seem to be the perfect couple. By outward appearance this match of Hollywood Royalty was perfect. By Tinsel Town standards this couple did love each other but their marriage held some dark secrets. As the darkest of these secrets were revealed the knowledge felled a circle of relationships like dominoes. Even as careers rose, these actors personal lives lost all integrity,devastating any chance for a healthy love-life…
..all under the sweeping skies of America’s storied Badlands, a place already filled with legends of lawless acts by outlaws and gruesome deaths of the pioneers who tamed the land. The Wyoming wind stopped and the hands of something unspeakable grabbed me. Gripped by spirit and grabbed up by an unseen physical force, I was transported both by soul and body. I didn’t give an inch within to these dark demons that wanted to destroy me but I did give up about 20 feet of earth when they whipped my boy across the bluff and I ended up on the other side of the ride. My cracking ribs were in tune to the cracking windows in the village below.
After the energy storm cleared and I descended into that Village I saw the balance of the destruction in the uneven walls, shattered glass and worried faces. This afternoon all the doors and minds of a band of non-believers were swung wide open. The good returned into their eyes and lifted the dark fabric that was smothering their light and business. That day, the evil that was holding on was forced back into its hellish hole….
“Taking care of business every day, taking care of business every way” BTO It’s not unusual for a professional Psychic to be known and respected in the spiritual world. This is a place of what outsiders call “Woo Woo” types and many use the term to describe anyone from an Acupuncturist to a Satan-worshiping witch. The spiritual world is full of specialists, experts and business people who do a great job of marketing themselves their beliefs and products. Spiritual authors, self-help gurus and Psychics sometimes become cross-over hits in the mainstream markets but only after they have become well known in the smaller niches.
So it’s a pretty unique that I should become known as a “Business Psychic” before hitting the usual Spiritual Speaker road or having a best-seller that tells people how to make money. I came by the process naturally in a couple ways. It is a good fit for me. I am practical and I am a very good businessman myself. Business, money and the aspects of how to make and keep money come easily to me. Second, I came by the practice of doing this for corporations and companies also through natural selection.
A very good client of mine was a wife of a CEO. (This has turned out to be a typical path to business as I find women very open spiritually and they often are the early adapters.) After a year of gentle prodding the wife convinced the CEO to see me and consider listening to what messages I might have for him about his business.
I was invited to into the glass castle and was going to be interviewed by one of the nations’ top powerbrokers. Stepping into the marble tiled foyer I was greeted immediately by a young man in an expensive suit. The suit walked me through the building giving me a behind the scenes tour of the brick and mortar. Pleasant and assured, the fine-mannered man explained he was the Comptroller.
Reaching the top floor of the high-rise, my guide dropped me in a cushy chair where I waited and waited for the busy CEO. When he emerged we shook hands and I stated, ” That young man who showed me around. He is stealing from you.” Within hours it was discovered the Comptroller had stolen hundreds of thousands of dollars. The CEO’s Assistant scribbled furiously as I advised them where to look for the embezzlement. In no time, the leak was uncovered, the man arrested. I credit the CEO for following his own instincts as a leader, in believing me and taking action. From that time on I was invited to all the companies Board meetings. Since then I have found myself on the Board of Directors of many kinds of businesses and I have been involved in every kind of venture. There is not a part of business I don’t love. I help start-ups find their way and old companies perform….
JohnMichael is a professional Psychic. His new book recounts experiences in both the Supernatural and corporate worlds.
Being Open to Your Gifts
Dear JohnMichael, Q: I have friend who I believe is a sensitive but is afraid of this gift. What advice could you give her? What if any advice could you lend? Thank You for your time. Dear For Your Time,
A: The first thing that I learned from my mother is to never be afraid of my gifts. The Bene Gesserit mantra says that fear is the mind-killer. My mother always told me to never be afraid of what I see, feel and know as these are showing me everything the world has to offer. Having a gift as a psychic is like learning that television now comes in color. You can see all the nuances and feelings around you. It is a beautiful gift and there is nothing quite like it. If you fear what you see and what you can truly be then you are giving up on yourselves. In Plato’s dialogues, the allegory the Cave talks about people who can only see shadows against a wall and one day a man leaves the cave and sees what true life is like. When we embrace our gifts we embrace all of life and what it offers. I recommend reading that story – it is available on the internet and it is one of my favorites. My mother read it to me when I was the age of 6 and I find it to be quite powerful in understanding one’s gifts.
If you have any further questions, please contact via my website www.johnmichaelcapaldi.com